Funny Quotes

» We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

» When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

» Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

» Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

» I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.

» Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

» I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

» I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

» Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

» Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

» Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

» Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

» A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

» A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

» I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

» Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

» I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

» I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

» All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

» There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.

» I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

» All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

» Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

» The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

» It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

» The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

» I rant, therefore I am.

» I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

» Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

» The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.

» Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!

» People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

» My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

» I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

» I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

» My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

» Never have more children than you have car windows.

» A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

» TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

» You're only has good as your last haircut.

» Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

» What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

» I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

» Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

» Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

» California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

» Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

» A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

» We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

» Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

» I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

» Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

» When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

» Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

» What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

» In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

» Electricity is really just organized lightning.

» A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

» A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

» I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

» Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

» I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

» Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

» Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

» You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.

» Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

» One man's folly is another man's wife.

» There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

» Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

» A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

» It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

» Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

» I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

» I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

» I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

» Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

» The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

» Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

» It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

» My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

» I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

» Never floss with a stranger.

» If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

» I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

» The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

» Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

» There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

» A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

» Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

» Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

» If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

» Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

» I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

» If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

» If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

» Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

» I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

» Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

» Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

» There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

» Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

» Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

» Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

» Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

» By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

» Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

» I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

» My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

» I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

» I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

» My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

» God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

» The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

» Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

» I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

» I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

» I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

» Never wear anything that panics the cat.

» Never fight an inanimate object.

» Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

» Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

» I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

» In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

» I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

» Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

» Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

» Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

» I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

» I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

» I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

» Recession is when a neighbour loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

» O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

» Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

» I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

» For your information, I would like to ask a question.

» Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

» My inner child is not wounded.

» My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

» I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

» I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

» I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

» Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

» A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

» I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

» Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

» Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

» I like marriage. The idea.

» As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

» I think serial monogamy says it all.

» Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

» The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

» I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

» I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

» Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

» I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

» I like children - fried.

» I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

» I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

» I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

» Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

» I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

» I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

» I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

» If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

» I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

» A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

» If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

» I never said most of the things I said.

» He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

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Who Said: "Today is life-the only life you are sure of. Make the most of today. Get interested in something. Shake yourself awake. Develop a hobby. Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you. Live today with gusto." Click To See

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