Steven Wright Quotes

» On the other hand, you have different fingers.

» My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

» I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

» I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

» I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

» I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

» When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

» What's another word for Thesaurus?

» If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

» I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

» George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

» I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

» I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

» I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

» I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

» When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

» When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

» I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

» I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

» In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

» I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

» I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

» I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

» I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

» Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

» I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

» If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

» The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

» Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

» A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

» I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

» There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

» I invented the cordless extension cord.

» My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

» How young can you die of old age?

» It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

» I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

» I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

» There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

» I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

» I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

» If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

» When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

» Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

» Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

» I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

» I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

» If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

» Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

» I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

» Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

» Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

» Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

» I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

» Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

» For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

» I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

» I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

» I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

» I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

» I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

» I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

» If God dropped acid, would he see people?

» If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

» It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

» It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

» Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

» My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

» My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

» Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

» The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

» When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

» You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

» I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

» If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

» If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

» I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

» Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

» If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

» I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

» I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

» I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

» I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

» Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

» So, do you live around here often?

» It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

» Hermits have no peer pressure.

» What a nice night for an evening.

» At one point he decided enough was enough.

» If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

» Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

» I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

» I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

» I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

» Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

» I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

» I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

» Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

» My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

» If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

» Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

» I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Who Said It?

Who Said: "The majority of information I gave police was about my wife and her family, which is what they wanted." Click To See

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"The accent of one's birthplace remains in the mind and in the heart as in one's speech." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

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