Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

» I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

» I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

» At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

» Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

» Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

» I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

» I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

» I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

» I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

» If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

» Life is just a bowl of pits.

» We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

» When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

» I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

» I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

» My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

» My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

» My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

» A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

» Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

» My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

» I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

» Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

» With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

» With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

» When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

» What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

» What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

» This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

» The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

» Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

» One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

» On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

» My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

» My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

» My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

» My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

» My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

» My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

» My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

» My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

» My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

» It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

» I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

» I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

» I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

» I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

» I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

» I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

» I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

» I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

» I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

» I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

» I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

» I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

» My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

» When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

» I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

» My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Who Said It?

Who Said: "The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old." Click To See

Daily Famous Quote

"The accent of one's birthplace remains in the mind and in the heart as in one's speech." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

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