Rita Rudner Quotes

» I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

» I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

» Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

» I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

» Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

» Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

» I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

» It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

» My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

» To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

» Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

» Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

» I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

» My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

» The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

» I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

» Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

» My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

» I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

» My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

» In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

» My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

» We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

» I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

» Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

» When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

» I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

» Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

» A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

» It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

» I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

» They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

» Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

» The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

» Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

» Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Who Said It?

Who Said: "The kind of thing I'm good at is knowing every politician in the state and remembering where he itches. And I know where to scratch him." Click To See

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"The accent of one's birthplace remains in the mind and in the heart as in one's speech." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

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