Mitch Hedberg Quotes

» I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

» The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

» I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

» A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

» All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

» Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

» Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

» Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

» Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

» Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

» I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

» I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

» I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

» I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

» I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

» I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

» I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

» I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

» I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

» I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

» I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

» I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

» I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

» I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

» I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

» I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

» I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

» I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

» I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

» I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

» I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

» I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

» I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

» I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

» I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

» If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

» If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

» Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

» It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

» My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

» My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

» My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

» People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

» Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

» Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

» Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

» Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

» If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

» A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

» This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

» I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

» I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

» I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

» When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

» I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

» My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?

» I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

» Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

» My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

» It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

» I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

» I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

» Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

» An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

» You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

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Who Said: "Short of genius a rich man cannot even imagine poverty." Click To See

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"I am not the archetypal leading man. This is mainly for one reason: as you may have noticed, I have no hair." - Patrick Stewart

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