Mark Twain Quotes
» There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
» Golf is a good walk spoiled.
» Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
» Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
» A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
» I can live for two months on a good compliment.
» I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
» It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
» Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
» The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
» Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
» The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
» I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
» Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
» Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
» Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
» Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.
» Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
» Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
» It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
» Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
» Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
» It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
» Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
» The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
» Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
» Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
» It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
» A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
» It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
» Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
» The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
» A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
» One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
» Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
» Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
» Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
» A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
» Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
» I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
» Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
» Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
» Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
» Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
» Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
» I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
» All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
» I've never let my school interfere with my education.
» If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.
» If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
» It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
» The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
» Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
» Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
» Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
» Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
» A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
» Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
» When in doubt tell the truth.
» We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
» It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.
» Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
» The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word.
» Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
» There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
» Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
» The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
» Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
» Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
» To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
» Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
» Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
» A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
» Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
» Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
» Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
» Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
» I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
» When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
» Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
» To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
» It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
» Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
» Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
» Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
» The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
» When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
» To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
» God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
» Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
» There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
» Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
» Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
» I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
» There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
» There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
» What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
» It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
» Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
» Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
» The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
» Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
» Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
» You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
» Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
» In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
» Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
» It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
» The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
» We are all alike, on the inside.
» Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
» If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
» Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
» Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
» The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
» Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
» George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
» All generalizations are false, including this one.
» All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
» Better a broken promise than none at all.
» Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
» Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
» He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
» I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
» I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
» I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
» I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
» It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
» It is easier to stay out than get out.
» It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
» Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
» My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
» Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
» Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
» Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
» Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
» The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
» The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
» The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
» There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
» Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
» Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
» Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
» Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
» Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.
» Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
» There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
» Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
» Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
» No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
» What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
» 'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
» A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
» Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
» Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
» Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
» The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
» Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
» Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
» I never let schooling interfere with my education.
» It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
» The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
» Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
» Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
» When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
» It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
» The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
» Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
» I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
» Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
» Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.
» The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
» When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
» Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
» What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
» When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
» Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
» Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
» Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
» By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
» In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
» The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
» Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
» Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
» My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
» We have the best government that money can buy.
» Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
» Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
» All right, then, I'll go to hell.
» The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
» The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
» When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
» I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
» The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.
» When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
» Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work.
» Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
» It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
» Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
» A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
» The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
» When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
» But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
» The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
» The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
» There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happinesses to the unhappy.
» There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
» Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
» What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
» Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
» Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
» As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
» It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
» What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
» The lack of money is the root of all evil.
» Never put off till to-morrow what you can do day after to-morrow just as well.
Who Said It?Who Said: "Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time." Click To See
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