Mark Twain Quotes

» There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

» Golf is a good walk spoiled.

» Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

» Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

» A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

» I can live for two months on a good compliment.

» I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

» It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

» Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

» The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

» Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

» The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

» I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.

» Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

» Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

» Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

» Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

» Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

» Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

» It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

» Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

» Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

» It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.

» Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

» The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

» Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

» Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.

» It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

» A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

» It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

» Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

» The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

» A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

» One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

» Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

» Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.

» Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

» A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

» Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

» I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

» Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

» Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

» Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

» Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

» Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.

» I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

» All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.

» I've never let my school interfere with my education.

» If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

» If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

» It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

» The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

» Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

» Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

» Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

» Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

» A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.

» Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

» When in doubt tell the truth.

» We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.

» It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.

» Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

» The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a word.

» Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

» There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

» Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

» The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

» Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

» Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.

» To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.

» Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

» Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

» A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

» Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

» Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

» Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

» Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

» I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

» When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

» Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

» To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

» It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

» Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

» Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

» Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

» The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

» When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

» To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

» God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

» Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

» There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

» Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

» Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

» I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

» There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

» There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

» What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

» It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.

» Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

» Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.

» The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

» Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

» Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

» You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

» Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

» In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

» Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

» It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

» The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

» We are all alike, on the inside.

» Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

» If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

» Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

» Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

» The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

» Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

» George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

» All generalizations are false, including this one.

» All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

» Better a broken promise than none at all.

» Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

» Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

» He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

» I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

» I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

» I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

» I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

» It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

» It is easier to stay out than get out.

» It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

» Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

» My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

» Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

» Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

» Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."

» Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

» The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

» The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

» The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

» There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

» Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

» Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

» Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

» Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

» Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

» Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

» There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

» Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

» Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

» No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

» What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

» 'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

» A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

» Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

» Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

» Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.

» The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

» Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

» Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.

» I never let schooling interfere with my education.

» It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

» The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

» Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

» Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

» When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

» It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

» The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

» Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.

» I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

» Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

» Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.

» The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

» When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

» Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

» What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

» When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

» Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

» Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

» Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

» By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

» In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

» The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

» Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

» Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

» My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

» We have the best government that money can buy.

» Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

» Buy land, they're not making it anymore.

» All right, then, I'll go to hell.

» The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.

» The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

» When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

» I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

» The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

» When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

» Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work.

» Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

» It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

» Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

» A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

» The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

» When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

» But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

» The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

» The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

» There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happinesses to the unhappy.

» There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

» Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

» What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

» Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

» Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

» As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

» It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

» What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

» The lack of money is the root of all evil.

» Never put off till to-morrow what you can do day after to-morrow just as well.

Who Said It?

Who Said: "Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time." Click To See

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"I was told to avoid the business all together because of the rejection. People would say to me, 'Don't you want to have a normal job and a normal family?' I guess that would be good advice for some people, but I wanted to act." - Jennifer Aniston

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