Jack Handey Quotes & Quotations

Jack Handey Quotes

» I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.

» If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.

» I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

» I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold.' And I'd say, 'well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh?

» If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.

» Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have.

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