Jack Handey Quotes & Quotations

Jack Handey Quotes

» I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

» The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!

» The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.

» If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way

» If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

» Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

» Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

» The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called 'Dad.' We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

» I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.

» To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

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