Groucho Marx Quotes

» I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

» A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

» I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

» Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

» I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

» There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

» Humor is reason gone mad.

» Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

» Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

» From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

» I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

» I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

» Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

» Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

» I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

» A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

» I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

» The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

» I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

» Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

» The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

» She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

» A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

» A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

» Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

» Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

» Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

» I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

» I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

» I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

» My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

» Women should be obscene and not heard.

» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

» I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

» Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

» One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

» Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

» Room service? Send up a larger room.

» Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

» It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

» I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

» A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

» Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

» Go, and never darken my towels again.

» My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

» Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

» All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

» I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

» I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

» Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

» Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

» Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

» Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

» Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

» I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

» I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

» No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

» Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

» Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

» In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

» Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

» Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

» I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

» I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

» If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

» If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

» Before I speak, I have something important to say.

» I intend to live forever, or die trying.

» Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

» There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.

» From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

» Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

» Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

» I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

» Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Who Said It?

Who Said: "Every time you get angry, you poison your own system." Click To See

Daily Famous Quote

"I was five years old when I wrote my first song. It was out of longing for my father that I wrote it." - Shmuel Y. Agnon

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